About this book
What Even is This?
It’s a book. Or similar to a book. Johannes Gutenberg would have tripped out that this is what counts for a book now. A synopsis: This is a pseudo-surrealistic autobiography about childhood sexual abuse in a spiritual setting and a new therapeutic approach that puts the broken pieces back in place. Neuroscience, religion, philosophy, time distortion, shape-shifting, rock & roll, legal proceedings, the hope of achieving transcendence.
Click the arrow buttons at the bottom of pages to go forward or backward. You can also click the screen of most pages to turn the page. Use Contents to skip around from chapter to chapter.
Most Importantly
If the shit described in this book has happened to you too, do not give up. Don’t give in. Millions and millions of your brothers and sisters have been through this, and many of us have survived and blossomed. This is true: If you want to live, or even if you don’t want to live, you gotta tell someone what happened to you. It will be a small relief at first and then a big one. Write it on a piece of paper, tell a stranger, tell your cat, say it out loud to nobody and work your way up to telling a person you know. It’s excruciatingly hard, no joke, but you have to tell someone you trust.
About the Author
Nathan Langston is a software designer living in Seattle. Once, he dressed up as a bar of soap to pass out coupons in Union Square, Manhattan. Once, he composed scores for an indie ballet company. Once, he wandered the passageways of the Alhambra in Spain and the Ellora Caves in India. He currently digs the music of Sylvan Esso and the novels of Haruki Murakami. He once played the children’s game Telephone with 315 artists from 159 cities in 42 countries. He works at a tech job in a cubicle but it looks out on the horizon of the Puget Sound.
A Note from the Author
I usually despise self-help books. They regularly attempt to convey, in tones of superior condescension, the absolute authority and moral clarity of the author. Let this not be that. Let me admit to you that I am still in the thick of this recovery, that my life is exploding and coming apart at the seams. Being alive is excruciatingly hard and I will not pretend that I am any smarter about or better at living than you. This work is meant as witness and testimony, and also as a public reminder that, if something along these lines was inflicted on you, you are not alone. Though sometimes invisible, there are millions of us at your side, marching behind you and, somehow, magically, you’ve got my back too. We’re real fucked up, sure, but we’re in awfully good company.
The Author Would Like to Thank:
My boys. They re-write me constantly, though they can’t yet write a word (well, the older one can almost write his name). I’m unsure how I will tell them about this book, how I will teach them about the worst parts of my life, but feel certain that they will help me figure it out. These little fellows were born with a wisdom beyond me. When we share laughter, I am assured that it is a very fine thing to have been born. This book is dedicated to them.
The partners and spouses and friends of people with trauma. They see it more clearly than anyone and bear so much of the weight and consequence. This trauma colors every aspect of a relationship. I try but, honestly, cannot imagine being in love with and being in a relationship with someone who has this sort of hard-coded grief. It requires such fabulous strength, emotional agility, and patience. If you’re loving someone enduring this, you are a badass and we owe so much of the congruity of our souls to you.
My pal Nick Jaina. He first read this book more than 10 years ago when it was more than twice as long. If you need an editor, he’ll completely change your work for the better and it will somehow still feel like you wrote it. Gentle, insightful, specific, inspiring. More importantly, this dude has helped me work through my trauma as an active and intuitive listener and deeply loving friend.
My parents and sister, who went through the worst of this with me and stayed beloved to me. Your story is its own book. I love you so much.
Contact the Author
Help Me Keep This Book Live
Though it was the hardest piece of art I’ve ever done and took 10+ years, I don’t care to make money off this work. But it does cost me some to keep it live and maintained. If you’re able to pitch in, I’d be supremely appreciative. If not, don’t sweat it and I’ll cover it myself. Thanks a million and all my love, NL.